Saturday, May 24, 2008

Lessons in Humility

So grades were posted on the Wake Forest website a week or two ago. This has generally been something I've been okay with. I've never really had a reason to worry about a grade in any particular class because I've been blessed with a mind that, so far, has been able to handle most classes I've taken and dedication that's enabled me to continue when my intelligence fails. However, I feel that this sense of security I had built up during high school and the first semester at Wake produced some ill effects. The biggest of these is undoubtedly the misleading feeling that I could not and would not fail. I'm sure if you talk to me you might not be aware that I have this problem. Heck, I wasn't aware of it 90% of the time! But, nevertheless, my feelings of "invincibility" (maybe I shouldn't use that severe of a term, but I think you get what I mean) have been shattered and I thank God for it!!!

This past semester I've struggled with my hardest class yet, organic chemistry. I realized throughout my experiences in this class that God was constantly challenging me to rise above my old expectations perform on the level I thought capable of and reach the goal which I believed He had set for me of excelling in the class. I was faced with a fair amount of disappointment, however, as I consistently failed in living up to my own expectations for my success in the class and, so I thought, God's expectations for my future in medicine. It seemed like every time I tried, I failed. Not only this, but I was surprised to find that every time I tried harder, the work got that much more demanding and I failed even more. Bummer, right?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! It was not until I had finished the final exam and waited two and a half long weeks for my grades to arrive (I didn't fail, but I did considerably worse than I had thought) that I was struck with a glorious revelation about what had really been happening in my life throughout the second semester. God was breaking me down; chipping away at the secure, confident shell that I'd built up as a means to show me that, no matter what, I'm an imperfect human being in every sense. God was taking a part of my life that I'd felt very sure of my ability to succeed in and making it difficult just to break me into a state of submission. In that moment of revelation I realized that it really is when we are in our weakest and most vulnerable states that we are most receptive to God's grace. I knew then and there that I couldn't make it without Him... whether the task at hand was spiritual, physical, or even intellectual. God was showing me that my gifts were only because of Him and that I ought to be prayerfully seeking His guidance in using them.

Wholly broken,
Joe

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